You may have heard it before: “you shouldn’t should on yourself or anyone around you.” It’s a catchy little turn of grammar that is both tongue in cheek as well as really great advice. How often do we hear our friends, families, and even selves say something to the effect that another person “should’ do something. And how often are our disappointments based in what we felt “should”, but did not.

We live our lives out by noticing patterns and anticipating the future according to patterns. Sometimes we even create stories in our minds of how everything will play out, in an attempt to be prepared fr one outcome or another. This is basic human behavior, and generally speaking, this process serves us well. Our relationships, work histories, and even driving skills, are based in being able to anticipate another person’s behavior. The problem isn’t in observing and anticipating patterns, the problem lies in the way we respond when the story doesn’t play out according to the story in our heads. And that problem can often be addressed through healthy communication.

Here are three brief keys to coping with expectations in a relationship:

1. Be aware of the word “should”. It’s a dangerous word, use it with caution. When you hear yourself or another use “should” it is an indication that expectations are in play, in which case, move on to step 2.
2. Express your expectations. It’s nice to be with someone who understands and endures your little moments of weird. If you have an odd story playing out in your mind, it may serve you well to speak it out loud. In fact, these are the kinds of stories you have built trust towards sharing. How refreshing to be able to say to a loved one “this is how I see it working out, this is what I want to have happen.”
3. Challenge the expectations. A little flexibility goes a long way when it comes to expectations and should. Sometimes, speaking to them helps you realize that your expectations are unfounded in reality, or solidly cemented. You can even politely invite others to help you challenge the story, building further trust by letting them see your story.

Some people run around claiming that expectation is the kiss of death in every relationship. It certainly has taken its share of couple casualties, but expectation does not have to be the end of a relationship. It can also be the beginning of better communication and increased trust.