As a child, I hated doing chores.

I hated how many I did.

I hated how long they took.

I hated that the same chores would have taken half the time if my mom had done them herself.

Let me guess, you loved chores? No? I didn’t think so. Of course now, as an adult, I can look back and be glad for any attempts to make me a functional human. I no longer resent chores. Also, no one tells me to make my bed anymore, so that helps.

Research supports chores as essential in building specific characteristics in children. Marty Rossman, a professor at University of Minnesota, has found that children who do chores are more likely to have enduring self-worth, be independent, and competent when they are engaged starting at an early age in household chores. Doing chores is also shown to build empathy and reinforce values. It teaches children time management. It can help them value caring for others over achievement. Basically, it does things for your kids that you really want.

One of the constant parenting fights is getting kids to accomplish their chores and to comply. Why can’t kids just see how badly you want to makes them “independent and competent?” It’s madness. Well, they can’t. Like this very author once did, children think you are out to work them like the slaves building Egyptian pyramids. Putting a list in front them causes the most noisy of meltdowns. They move slower and slower the less they like the chore. It’s like they want everyone to hate them doing their chores. The little turkeys. 😉

So, should you still give your kids chores? Duh, yes. But how to do it without hearing whining? Well, that’s the trick question. YOU CAN’T DO IT WITHOUT THE WHINING, or at least, that shouldn’t be your goal. Whining is how humans respond to unlikable commands unless you have BROKEN their spirit, which most parents don’t try to do. After all, if you don’t like being told what to do we can just say that your kiddos are chips off the old block. That’s not a bad thing.

The point of chore giving is to not give up. Don’t stop trying! This past week a story from a friend reached my ears of a 13 year old who was given a spatula and knife and told to wash them. She responded, “How?” To the utter belief of those present, this child had never been taught how to wash dishes. She said, “Our mom likes things done right, so I’ve never washed dishes.” Is your mouth hanging open? I’m almost drooling in wide mouthed remembrance right now.

If when they whine, you grow weary and give in to letting them off the hook you have just reinforced that if they are stressed they should whine and they should give up! You have reinforced that they can’t handle stress. If you reinforce that its ok to give up for something like chores, they will believe more firmly that if they feel they can’t do something, they are right. I do not want to think about what that looks like at their first job in high school.

Don’t let that message win! They need you to keep up the fight for chorepower. Don’t let yourself get sidetracked with delay tactics, power plays, and manipulations.  A lot of kids try to create reward systems to reinforce chores. They want money. Others say they need to do homework before they get to chores. Brilliant attempt on their part! They know that if they whine you might give them money, and if they talk about grades, you may drop the chores. Consider what you want for your kids. One thing you want is for them to value caring for others over achievement. Don’t put chores always behind schoolwork, and don’t turn chores into a business transaction. I’m not saying that every now and then getting something done isn’t worth a reward, I’m saying, be careful what priorities and rewards you teach your kids should come before caring for their community. Research supports the importance of putting the qualities of caring and being a helper over achievement and personal rewards.

In summary; keep giving chores, give more if you aren’t giving any, keep demanding the kids be helpers in their community, and hang in there. Maybe buy some earplugs if you have a big whiner. If you have a child who is particularly obstinate, see a counselor for assistance in creating a good plan that will empower you and produce behavioral results.