This time of year we focus on gratitude and the things we are thankful for. It is a good time to focus on gratitude in your relationships. Does your spouse feel appreciated and understand the gratitude you feel for him or her in your life? Many of the couples I work with express a frustration with not feeling like their partner’s first priority. This can be one of the negative effects of not expressing gratitude.
You may be stuck in a negative cycle where you don’t feel motivated to show gratitude because you don’t feel your partner appreciates you either. However, now is your chance to change that cycle. When you begin to show more appreciation, it is likely your partner will respond by showing their appreciation in return. A study from Amie Gordon of U.C. Berkeley showed that in committed couples, when one partner reported in their appreciation journal that they felt appreciated, they showed more appreciation toward their partner the next day. In the follow-up from the study, the couples who engaged in this pattern of showing appreciation were more likely to stay together and reported feeling more committed to each other. The benefits of gratitude in a relationship are worth the effort it takes. But how do you show appreciation to your partner?
A feeling of gratitude and appreciation toward your partner needs to be expressed in a variety of forms. Verbal expression is one way to show gratitude. Saying thank you and telling your partner how much he or she means to you is important. Another way to show gratitude is through actions. If you tell your partner that she is more important to you than work, you can back up your words by coming home when you tell her you will be home. Another way to show gratitude is by choosing to focus on the attributes that made you fall in love with your spouse and letting go of the less significant things that bother you. Lastly, possibly the most powerful way you can help your partner feel appreciated is by listening to your partner. This means showing attentive body language, eliminating other distractions and asking follow up questions to show your efforts to listen and understand what he or she is saying.
When I have suggested to couples to begin to focus on the positive in their relationship and concentrate on helping their partner feel appreciated, they have experienced great results. They have seen an increase in emotional closeness, fewer arguments, an improvement in their mood and many other benefits. So, this week of Thanksgiving, be the one to begin practicing gratitude in your relationship and see what it does for you and your partner.
