Have you ever told a friend or partner about something you are upset about and they immediately tried to offer advice? Or maybe they dismissed how you feel by saying something like, “Maybe you should just let that go.” Probably without meaning to, your friend is invalidating your experience and how you feel. Many times when we feel misunderstood, we begin to get defensive. Sometimes defensiveness can cause the person to withdraw or to begin arguing. These reactions get in the way of productive and meaningful communication.
One of the most common issues people seek relationship counseling for is communication. There are many facets of communication and everyone needs to work on different areas. In my experience, one of the more common problem areas is defensiveness. One way to beak down defensiveness and reduce arguing is validation. Validation is the ability to listen with an intent to understand the other person’s experience and to help them know that you can understand how they might feel that way, even if you don’t necessarily agree. There are a couple of steps you can begin taking today to start validating your partner.
The first step of validation is listening. Someone who is trying to understand how another person feels or what their experience was like, will be actively listening. Often when we are listening to someone else, we begin thinking about what we will say next or about how we would feel differently. However, if we choose to listen purely with an intent to understand the other person, we will strengthen the level of trust in the relationship, which opens up the communication.
The next step is communicating your understanding. Put simply, you need to paraphrase what the other person said. It might feel awkward and unnecessary but it will help your partner know you were truly listening. The next level of communicating your understanding is offering empathy and making statements like, “I can see why you were upset” or “It sounds like you felt unimportant when that happened.” Sometimes it is difficult for someone to put their emotions to words and when you can offer more words for them, they will feel a deeper level of connection with you.
Validation can be simple but is often a neglected step in communication. It takes practice and repetition until it becomes more natural. The more you help your partner feel validated, they will communicate more openly and feel less of a need to get defensive or argue when you need to discuss more serious things. Sometimes validation doesn’t come automatically. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your partner or from a skilled marriage counselor.