Many couples come to me and say, “Please, just help us communicate better. “
Often what they are actually saying is, “There is a disconnection that we don’t know how to remedy with the words we have already tried.”
When I help people with their communication skills, I’m not just helping them find the right words to remedy their problems. I am teaching them the language of emotions. This is a language all must master if they plan to mend emotional disconnections.
How to speak the language of emotions (hint: its not just words):
- Become sensitive to those moments when your partner is signifying there has been a disconnection. Two of the most common signifiers are when your partner withdraws or becomes angry. They are attempting to create a connection by provoking your own fear or anger.
- Listen for the emotions they are sharing not the words they are saying. They may verbally say, “How could you be late for a third night in a row!” What they are saying in the language of emotions is, “I am feeling unloved because I perceive I am not a priority to you.” Listen past the words.
- Identify this emotional translation back to your partner. “Are you feeling ___________because___________?” Communicating your translation is essential. It goes beyond all words to the real emotional needs of your partner. This is one of the reason that fighting over details never works. It was never about the details. It has always been about the emotions.
- Seek further to understand the emotions your partner is feeling. Show awareness. Be responsive. Stay engaged and present. Generally this means repeating steps two and three over and over until your partner says. “That’s exactly it.” Listen, translate back, listen, translate back.
- Once you understand the lack of connection your partner is feeling, ask what you can do to help, then act. Many people, especially men, are overwhelmed with all of the emotions shared by their partners. They feel they have to fix it. This above method of “fixing it” actually works amazingly well. As previously stated, these communication issues often boil down to feeling disconnected. When you know the problem is disconnection, fixing it comes in the form of being responsive, aware, and engaged. Recognize that becoming emotionally available to your partner may solve more of the problems than you realize. After this, you will have a clear idea of what your partner really needs. Your partner will feel you are connected – and that is GOOD COMMUNICATION.
I’ll end with an example. When your partner verbally says, “You never listen to me.” Translated into emotional language that would likely be, “I feel unheard, unnoticed, and unconnected to you.” You might translate it back to them by saying, “You are feeling that I don’t know what’s going on with you.” “YES! Do you even know how hard my week has been?” You recognize your partner is complaining that they feel disconnected from you. You respond to this disconnection by seeking to reconnect with your partner, “Tell me more about that. I’d like to show you I love you.” And Voila… you’ve used the best communication skills there are by listening for emotions.
Clear as mud? I know. You’ll get it with practice though. Good luck guys.
