What do you do when you are frustrated with your significant other or your children? Do you react? Avoid? Become aggressive? When friction issues surface in a relationship, emotions can become charged. The two most common natural reactions when emotions escalate are aggressiveness or avoidance. Neither reaction helps resolve the problem in a calm-rational way.

• Aggressiveness: Aggressiveness is the most common reaction when emotions charge. When you get charged up you lose your ability to be rational. You may not think this is happening in the moment, and typically believe you are being completely rational. However, your focus funnels toward proving a point, arguing an issue, or convincing the other of their wrongs. You may falsely believe that if you do this, the other will suddenly agree with you. Be honest with yourself. Has this ever worked? The only way it could work is through intimidation or fear. Aggressiveness is all about getting your way, and not about resolution.
• Avoidance: You can also become avoidant when emotions charge. This typically happens when you don’t want to deal with the emotions, don’t feel the issue will go anywhere, or feel some level of anxiety regarding the issue or situation. The problem is that avoidance doesn’t fix anything either. If an issue causes an emotional reaction sufficient to trigger avoidance, it should be discussed toward resolution in a calm and rational manner. If that doesn’t occur, it will likely trigger stronger emotions again later.

Waiting can be the key to avoiding these two pitfalls. Waiting is not avoiding. Rather, it is waiting until emotions are calm so that rational, objective thinking can overpower irrational, emotional reasoning. Waiting 10-90 minutes (no longer than 90 min – this can lead to avoidance) can be very beneficial if the waiting is focused on calming yourself. You can make yourself more able to understand the others feelings in an objective way, rather than focusing on proving a point or avoiding a difficult subject. Wait, calm yourself, and then address the issue in-person. Don’t address such a reactive issue on the phone or through text. The outcomes, resolution, and understanding should greatly improve if you wait and address things when you are calm.