After a couple has been together for a while, the excitement of a new relationship wears off and they often begin to slowly disconnect from each other. This is a normal part of a relationship, however, over time, if a couple isn’t making an effort to stay connected, they begin to feel unhappy in their marriage. Many of the couples I work with come to me because they are experiencing emotional distance or they just don’t have the connection they used to. Dr. Sue Johnson, marriage therapist and researcher, discusses the importance of emotional connection and attachment in her book Hold Me Tight. She uses an acronym and phrase to help us remember how to stay connected with our partner. It is A.R.E., which stands for accessible, responsive, and engaged. The phrase is “Are you there, are you with me?” Let’s talk about what this means.

Accessibility: Can I reach you? Being accessible means that you are open with your partner. You are in tune to your partner’s needs.

Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? This means that you are accepting of your partner’s feelings and needs even if you don’t agree with them. It also means that you are able to respond with comfort and care when your partner needs to feel calmed.

Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close? When you are engaged with your partner, you give them special, loving attention. You are emotionally present for your partner.

You can begin practicing this three ways of connecting with your partner and see how it improves your relationship. Some couples have had what Dr. Sue Johnson calls “injuries” in their relationship that make it difficult to connect with your spouse. If you are experiencing hurts or have unresolved injuries from the past, you may need to guidance of a marriage counselor to help you to heal and reconnect. Don’t allow any more time to go by while you become more distant from your spouse. Begin working on the process of reconnection now.