Can you remember a time when a discussion with your partner escalated without warning to a blowup, followed by distance?

UCLA researcher and psychologist, Dr. Thomas Bradbury, uses the term “enduring vulnerabilities” to describe sensitivities we develop, often in childhood. These vulnerabilities can trigger strong reactions in adulthood. Knowing our sensitivities, and our partner’s, can improve our relationship, deescalate conflict, and deepen our emotional connection.

Common vulnerabilities: feelings of exclusion, loneliness, betrayal, manipulation, unjust blame, judgment, not feeling safe, and disrespect.

Specific examples: Your husband is sensitive about being left out. Try using a gentle tone when suggesting you want time to be alone with your old group of friends who meet periodically. Or perhaps surgery triggered your wife’s enduring vulnerability—a fear of dying early. Perhaps your wife’s mother died at your wife’s current age. Or giving your spouse a pass on some of his mess, knowing he grew up in a rigid home where he was penalized for clutter.

Tips for working with enduring vulnerabilities:

• Consider our own sensitivities. Where do I feel vulnerable?
• Ask your spouse if she or he is willing to share an enduring vulnerability.
• Create a mental map of our partner’s vulnerabilities to avoid provoking our spouse.
• Invite (and listen) to your partner describe what it is like to have this vulnerability. Take turns and share how your sensitivities affect you.
• When you disagree, keep in mind your partner’s vulnerabilities. This can preemptively help you and your partner avoid escalating disagreements.
• Show empathy and compassion acknowledging the other’s vulnerability.

If you want additional help discussing how enduring vulnerabilities manifest in you or in your intimate relationship, contact a relationship expert here.