Do you ever miss the spontaneity from the early days of your relationship, or wonder why it doesn’t work out when you try it anymore?  The longer relationships last, the more likely it is that spontaneity will decrease, or that when you try to be spontaneous it won’t work out as intended.  This might be because, much like the concept of yin and yang, spontaneity has an opposing force: reliability.  Both are useful tools in a successful relationship, and need each other to be appreciated.  In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl wrote, “Freedom is in danger of degenerating into mere arbitrariness unless it is lived in terms of responsibleness.  That is why I recommend that the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast.”  While this quote most certainly carries some weight for society in the good ol’ USA, it also does for your relationship.  When using it in terms of your relationship, replace liberty with spontaneity, and responsibility with reliability.

Spontaneity inherently means a lack of structure and planning.  This is why it often makes things more fun.  If your partner plans a surprise meal of your favorite dinner, or buys you an unexpected gift, or does something special out of the blue, usually that adds an extra element of excitement to your day and relationship.  Think about it though–if there is no reliability, you might never show up for that surprise meal.  If your spouse is very rarely kind and buys you a random gift, you might even be suspicious of it.  Reliability plays into spontaneity in ways you might not expect.  So before you decide your relationship is too reliable, and therefore boring, perhaps ask yourself what you are reliable in.  Do you reliably provide support, or are you reliably complacent?  Can you be relied upon to act when there are pressing needs, or are you more reliably nowhere to be found?  Of course it isn’t all about you–few relationships are.  This is merely a suggestion to use reliability as a tool for spontaneity.  If your relationship is safe (read: predictable) then it will continue to be safe when spontaneous things happen.  Spontaneity is most enjoyable when it happens alongside healthy reliability, not in the absence of it.