Have you ever heard a couple say proudly, “We’ve never had an argument.” Many couples assume that the goal in relationships is to not fight. However, setting this goal is expecting a lot of yourself. You and your spouse are human and are going to do or say things that might hurt or make the other person upset. You are not going to agree on everything and that’s ok. In fact, it’s good that you see things in a different way.

Dr. John Gottman has researched the aspects of a marriage that predict happiness versus divorce. He has found that it is not the number of arguments a couple has but how they are able to resolve the conflict and repair their relationship after a disagreement. Take a minute and do a self-inventory on how well you are able to resolve conflict and make repairs:

True of False:

1. I can use humor at appropriate times to break the ice or diffuse a situation.
2. I can still be affectionate even if I don’t agree with my partner/spouse.
3. I have ability to regulate my emotions and calm myself down when I feel angry.
4. I can admit when I have been wrong or made a mistake.
5. I am able to apologize after I’ve said something that hurt my partner.
6. Even when we are arguing, I know my spouse/partner loves me and I love him/her.
7. We can accept each other’s apologies and forgive.
8. I know how to help soothe my partner when he/she is upset and vice versa.
9. Instead of letting issues boil, I address problems right away.
10. I can take a “time out” if I lose control of my emotions.
11. My partner considers me a good listener, even when I don’t agree.
12. I can see my partner’s point of view, even if it differs from mine.

Hopefully, this inventory has helped you see some areas you and your spouse can work on to resolve conflict and repair your relationship when you encounter an argument or disagreement. Sometimes, having an impartial third party can help you resolve conflicts and more importantly, learn the skills you need to resolve and repair on your own. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. You’ll be glad you did when you see yourself being able to drastically cut down the time it takes to recover from an argument.