Most of us recall the old Simon and Garfunkel hit “I am a Rock,” where the singer describes living a contented life isolated from others. Toward the end of the song the tempo slows considerably as the subject of the song expresses “And a rock feels no pain; And an island never cries.” We all could admit to times in our lives when we’ve wished we could be like the subject of this old classic. So, why do our deepest, most meaningful relationships come with so much risk? Is human connection with others really worth the potential pain?
I have recently studied the works of scholar and author Brené Brown, in exploring the answers to these questions. She has done extensive research on the various elements of relationships including: vulnerability, courage, shame and empathy. One of the most valuable principles she teaches is the need for vulnerability as a key to real connection in human relationships. Each time we invest ourselves in a relationship with another human being, we often times walk the uncertain path of vulnerability. We expose ourselves to possible heartbreak or disappointment. It may even seem scary at times, but without vulnerability we miss out on the irreplaceable human need to connect with others. Some may deny this need within themselves, yet it is as basic to our survival as water, food and shelter.
Brené asks and answers the following questions:
“Why should we foster vulnerability in our relationships?”
When I asked people “What is vulnerability?” a large percentage of them used the example of “initiating sex with my wife” or “initiating sex with my husband.” Yet there can be no intimacy—emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy—without vulnerability. One of the reasons there is such an intimacy deficit today is because we don’t know how to be vulnerable. It’s about being honest with how we feel, about our fears, about what we need, and, asking for what we need. Vulnerability is a glue that holds intimate relationships together.”
“How does vulnerability relate to our capacity for joy?”
“As someone who spent more than a decade studying fear, vulnerability, and shame, I never thought in a million years that I would say that joy is probably the most difficult emotion to feel. It’s hard to feel joy because we are so keenly aware that it’s fleeting. When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, we lose the courage to be joyful. Joy is a daring emotion! We are going to let ourselves stop in a moment that won’t last forever, that can be taken away. We feel almost that “you are a schmuck if you let yourself feel too deeply because the bad stuff is going to happen.”
Although he was stranded on an unknown island even Chuck Noland, played by Tom Hanks, in the motion picture “Cast Away,” required connection in order to survive; thus establishing a relationship with a happily personified volleyball named Wilson. At times, it may indeed seem easier to stay “shielded in our armor,” however, an internal invitation inevitably calls out for us to eventually walk the road in bravery towards vulnerability and open ourselves up to the comfort and security inherent to the human relationship.
