My husband and I have been married for over ten years. In that time, I have come to realize that for a marriage to work, and be strong, and for both parties to be independently and collectively happy, it takes much more than words. It requires more than the rote “I love you” whispered as you briefly brush by one another. Yes, words are important, and I will be the first to advocate for healthy communication. What I am talking about though is deeper, more personal, and more intimate. Within each marriage are two individuals who crave three key elements: to be seen, heard, and valued.
SEEN: When I tell you that each individual in the relationship craves being seen, I’m not talking about seeing your partner with your physical eyes. To see your partner means that you are willing to look into their inner world and see them as they really are. This is what I call “masks off” and “no pretending.” It means that you genuinely care about what makes them excited, what are they afraid of, what matters most in their lives. It means looking beyond a curt tone, and seeing the underline need. It means that with you, they are safe enough to be the “real” them.
HEARD: Being heard is not about the volume of one’s voice, or the lengthiness of the conversation. Being heard means that each person has an important voice, opinion, and right to share their thoughts, interests, and ideas. Being heard goes beyond reflective listening because when you truly hear someone, you dig deep for the meaning of what is being shared.
VALUED: Everyone needs to know and feel that they are valued in their most intimate relationships. This is especially true in a marriage where our partners see both our strengths and limitations, good days and hard days. In a marriage, partners crave stability and need to be able to believe that they are truly valued by their partner. To value your partner does not mean that you love them despite perceived flaws, rather inclusive of their weaknesses and struggles, they are valued. To value your partner goes beyond what he or she may do, it transcends deep into who they are.
To be seen, heard and valued is to have true intimacy in a relationship. When these key elements are present it creates safety, trust, and connection.
