Sometimes it feels like the people closest to us seem to know the exact things to do and say to push our buttons and get us upset. Often we react by doing the exact thing that they don’t want most and get in return an equal but opposite reaction. If you ever find yourself in a conflict where you feel extremely triggered and your emotions are flooded, here are a few things you can do to better preserve your relationships.

1. Recognize “Protect Me” Mode: Notice when you have reached your boiling point. This is when are triggered and flooded by emotion. You may start speaking very fast and rattling off hurtful words. You may want to run away or even throw things. This is called “Protect Me” mode. It is when you put up all of your defenses and may even make some aggressive moves in an effort to protect yourself. Please note that “Protect Me” mode is not an effective time to repair and problems solve. So call a time out and take a little space for yourself before you do too much damage to your relationships by saying and doing things you will regret after cooling off.
2. Take Space for a Specified Time Period: Sometimes even when both of you are in “protect me mode” and trying to come to a resolution feels impossible sometimes one person does not want the other to walk away or stop talking for fear that the problem will go unaddressed. One solution for this is to designate a specific time that the two of you will come back to address the problem, but not in the heat of the moment that you are so defensive and flooded by emotions. Taking space allows for triggering stimuli to cease and for you to regain your composure. It also allows you to do more perspective taking that you are able to do in “protect me mode.” It is recommended to take less than 90 minutes before getting back together. In extreme cases, take less than 24 hours to come back to re-address the issue.
3. Reflect 1^st on Where You Went Wrong and 2^nd on What You Need to be Different From the Other Person: Successful repair attempts usually start with a soft start-up and being able to take accountability for the things that you did wrong is a good soft start for the person to be more open to hearing you. Take time to reflect on what you did to contribute to the problem and things you wished you would have handled differently. Ask for forgiveness from them about the things that you did to contribute to the conflict. Secondly, in your time of reflection, try to assess what it is that you really need. It is ok to have needs and to make known what you need to be different. When you come together, explain to your partner your need and then make the request. Remember that you don’t get to decide what they do with your request, but you do get to make it known or not and you do get to decide if you show up for your feelings if they can’t or choose not to meet your need. Lastly, you get to decide what your limitations are to protect your health and wellbeing.