I enjoy rock climbing and when I go I am putting a great deal of trust into the equipment I have brought with me. This trust allows me to personally challenge myself, explore new places, and brings me a sense of joy and accomplishment. My climbing equipment will always have my trust if I treat it right and the same can be said for our relationships, but trust in a relationship gets a bit more complicated. If I break a piece of climbing equipment I can easily remedy the situation by replacing that gear. Wouldn’t it be nice if our relationships were like that!? But we know better, because relationships are about rebuilding connection with the people we love. We trust those we are connected with, built from emotional deposits made with moments of interaction. In order to rebuild trust, emotional availability is required.

Dr. Sue Johnson is the founder of emotional focused therapy and an expert in attachment between couples. She talks about emotional responsiveness and the lasting bonds it can create in a relationship. Here are some suggestions Sue gives us to build or rebuild the bonds between couples.

Accessibility – You give me your attention and are emotionally open to what I am saying

Responsiveness – You accept my needs and fears and offer comfort and caring

Engagement – You are emotionally present, absorbed, and involved with me

There are times we unintentionally or intentionally hurt the people we care about because we are emotionally charged, defensive, or unaware. During these times of distress we fall back to our basic need of feeling wanted because, we have been hurt. We then ask the core question of attachment and trust “are you there for me?”  We can be the answer to that question for those we care about. When our partner feels we are there for them then we are building the bonds of trust that allows up to feel safe and secure.