It starts with a little panic, a little feeling out of control of something that in the moment seems to matter more than anything else. It can mean some constricted thinking, some breathing management, and delayed or very short responses to requests. I am going through a small, restrictive tunnel with one exit and a number of obstacles to navigate. It is dark, and the only perspective I have is a pinprick of light at the end that certainly doesn’t allow for perspective on the view ahead. There are a number of ways anxiety limits the person experiencing the moment. Internally, all resources are devoted to reducing the panic and figuring out how to survive.
Externally, it might appear differently. If you are watching a friend or loved one experience anxiety, what you see might be a flash of anger or irritation, a sort of silent shut down, or a focus on breathing and search for support and validation. What can you do when you are with a loved one who goes through these moments gripped by anxiety?

Here are a few thoughts to keep in mind:

• What seems short, irritated, or even angry to you is most likely an attempt to shut down further expectations and stimuli while the person is working through their anxiety. If you can, avoid personalizing their response as an attack on you, but rather think of it as their need to process alone for a moment.
• Offering help, without an expectation of immediate response is often the best course of action. When you reach out, do not do so with a demand for a response, or an impatient attitude, but do so in a way that communicates “I’m willing to step in when you are ready.”
• Often times, the person doesn’t quite know what their needs are yet, let alone how to communicate them. That is why an offer to help with the expectation of a response can feel like a bigger burden. Waiting with a sincere word of validation and encouragement is often all that can be done.
• Don’t diminish or invalidate the moment. Saying “It’s not a big deal, calm down” only communicates disregard or misunderstanding. You can see that it’s not a big deal, but in that moment, their brain is on red alert and they will not appreciate your assessment until their brain has made it’s own.
• Trust their process. Sometimes, 10 minutes to get breathing back, slow the heart rate, and gain some perspective is all that is needed and all that can be done. Giving someone that time, without judgement or pressure to “pull it together” makes the difference in being able to manage more quickly.
• Often times, someone who has lived with anxiety has a system for working through it. When you have a non-anxious moment with your loved one, ask them to tell you about their process, or about their needs in those moments. It’s valuable to increase trust outside of the tunnel, so that once in, there is a plan and an understanding on how to proceed.

In my own moments of anxiety, I have grown to appreciate those friends who allow me the time and space needed to come back to healthier perspectives. There are times when I say “I need to be angry for a moment” and there are times when I simply cannot respond at all. Those people who offer permission, validation, space, and then are still waiting at the other end of my tunnel are the people that have helped me gain perspective, regain control, and appreciate my relationships.