I’m not a hopeless romantic. I’m not even romantic. In fact, once upon a time I met one of my favorite authors and after chatting for a few minutes, she said to me “you remind me of one of my characters, this is her pin.” And this author handed me a button that read “A surprisingly helpful cynic.”
Now I’m not sure that being a cynic is an honorable calling, after all, it’s defined as “a person who believes that people are motivated purely by self-interest”. But I’m pleased that it is modified by the words surprisingly helpful. In fact, I might even go so far as to call myself a “hopeful cynic”, which seems like an oxymoron, but is far more useful than a hopeless romantic. There’s nothing about the definition of a cynic that says we can’t still hope for the best in people.
All this is to say that I’m not being a dreamer when I tell you the most common relationship thing I see as a couples counselor that should give us all a little hope and a little patience. Are you ready?
We all really care about each other. We are just lousy at expressing it.

If you have spent time building a relationship with someone, if you have had good moments together, if you see great things about them, you feel a connection and an affection for them, then you care. Likewise, there are people who feel the same towards you. The problem is, we aren’t so great about sharing it. Love is vulnerable and means a thousand different nuanced things to every person, at the same time, this is the same for all of us. Speaking words of love, acting in ways that demonstrate it, that’s where we fail at being vulnerable in our caring for someone else, and in the end, convey something less than what we feel for those around us. And when we open our eyes to the fact that we might not be so great at communicating the affection we feel for the people around us, we might benefit from opening our eyes to the fact that others often care more deeply than they are able to express.
So we jump to interpreting behavior from others as offensive or belittling because we care more than we express and the other expresses less than they care.
What I’m saying is, you have to start by choosing to believe that your partner loves you. You have to interact with a foundation that says “I”m still here because I love you just like you are still here because you love me.” The first piece to positive communicating is trusting in the best of people. That’s where this hopeful cynic is working to live. Not that people are just plain old selfish, but that the best service we offer ourselves is in loving others and choosing to believe that we are also loved.
So the next time you feel ruffled feathers, frustrations rising, and are tempted to turn on your defenses, before you assume that you have to fight or have been slighted by selfishness, remember, your partner still loves you. They are just lousy at expressing it. Just like you still love them, and can’t quite always get the words and actions right. That piece of trust makes for much better footing when navigating the day to day conflicts that creep in.