Hide and Seek: Part one
We all played it as kids. Some people hide, other people seek. We find the cleverest hiding places and we sit silently, or we imagine just where our friends might be and we search until discovering them. There are variations on the rules, how high you count, boundaries, running to catch the hider until they are safe. It varies in complexity according to age, tradition, maybe even regionally. There are a few things that are certain though. Some kids prefer to hide, others prefer to seek. No matter how well hidden someone is, they do eventually want to be found. But maybe not right away. Too soon and the hiding place is a dud. Too long, and you start to worry about each other. And I’m still not sure who wins the game. Is it the kid who found the best, coolest, most unexpected hiding place? Is it the kid who found everyone the fastest? Is it the person who stayed hidden the longest or is it the person who found the most people? Does it even matter? Are you laughing, learning, connecting, and happy when the game is over? Maybe everyone who finds a friend and everyone who finds a good hiding spot both win.
Kids learn about the world through play. This game is in fact a marvelous developmental and relationship learning tool. We learn how to be comfortable with absences, we learn how to seek out relationships, and we learn how we like to balance those things.

As adults, we continue to play Hide and Seek, and we do it emotionally without even realizing the effort we need to make to continue seeking a healthy balance. Some people need time away to figure out their feelings and to calm down before engaging, others become anxious without validation and reassurance, and aggressively seek responses. Often times in couple’s therapy, I find an early complaint is about the mismatch in Hide and Seek style, and miscommunication about the rules. What we don’t realize is that as we cling to our ideas of how the game is played, and our partner clings to theirs, we are both losing the game. What if both partners like to hide? The danger becomes both individuals hiding from each other and never coming back together. Who is seeking if we are both hiding? What if both seek, and tempers flare over hashing and rehashing conflict without ever taking a moment to personally process and stabilize emotionally? What about the couple that has a hider and a seeker, but the more the hider hides, the more the seeker seeks, and the more the seeker seeks, the more the hider hides. It becomes a spiral of aggravating actions that distress both people. Some people hide, wanting to be found. Some people hide knowing they need time before being found. Some people seek wanting immediate responses, panicking when they cannot find. Regardless of your role preference, you need to be certain that the rules are communicated and match before you disappear or aggressively seek out your partner.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself about your relationship:
What’s my style? Do I like to hide from conflict? Do I seek out an immediate resolution?
What’s my partner’s style? Do they need time to process, or do they need immediate answers?
What do I want my partner to do? Do I want to be found? Do I want an hour of peace in my awesome hiding place first?
How does it serve the relationship? Are we meeting each other’s needs for space, for reassurance, for comfort, and for communication?
How does is damage the relationship? Are our styles and demands conflicting enough that we only injure each other and lose trust in the process?
Answering these questions can put you and your partner onto a path of a more productive process. Stay tuned for suggestions on navigating the rules of Grown Up Hide and Seek.