Self-Defeating Behaviors are attitudes turned action which keep us from obtaining the thing we want to very most by doing the exact thing which prevents us from reaching the goal. These behaviors are usually spurred on by some emotion; self doubt, fear of failure, depression, a belief that you can’t handle life without the behavior, etc.
We have all done this. Maybe you over ate after a hard week of dieting. Perhaps you gave up on your goal to be fit right when you had the chance to run a marathon. You may have looked at explicit material after promising yourself for the 1000th time you were done.
The first step
Self-defeating behavior will keep us from getting better. It will push us away from everything we value, and it can be daunting to know where to start. We can move forward simply by owning our behavior. Owning can often be done in the way we talk and think about the behavior. Implying ownership of your actions and intention has a powerful effect in taking you from victim to captain of the ship.
For instance if you are an over eater:
No: “I came home and ate three cakes after school.”
Yes: “I came home and decided to eat three cakes after school.”
If you worry at night about your problems only to be exhausted the next day.
No: “I can’t get any sleep at night because I think about my problems all night.”
Yes: “I won’t get any sleep at night because I make myself think about my problems all night.”
Sometimes we make excuses for the behavior or minimize its impact on our life.
“That’s just my personality”
“I work better this way”
“I didn’t know what to do!”
Why is the language such a big deal?
It implies a level of awareness, conscientiousness, and control. Another word for this is mindfulness. When one is NOT mindful, rather on autopilot, one is simply reacting to an urge, emotion, or thought. When one IS mindful they are aware of the urge, the emotion, the thought, and THEN then choose what to do.
And even if you can’t stop yourself from the behavior, giving in to a behavior that is self-defeating MINDFULLY is much better than giving in on autopilot. The next time you notice yourself doing something you know is self-defeating, make a permanent change to your language and awareness. Own it.
“I notice I’m having the urge too…
…and I notice doing that sounds really nice…
…and I’m noticing that it doesn’t seem like such a big deal to do it one time…
… I notice that if I stop right now it wont happen, but I…
…now I’m noticing that I’m losing resolve to stop! I’m going to make this choice!”
It may seem far from the first step, but how can you change a behavior you if feel you have no control over that exact behavior? Take control by recognizing who is choosing your life; YOU!
