When we have difficult things in our life (That’s all the time Keri), we tend to want to try minimize the pain and discomfort (Ya think? Duh, Keri). When we have thoughts, images, or memories which are unpleasant we often try to control our emotions. Generally speaking, we either try to dominate our unwanted thoughts and feelings or avoid them all together by hiding. Two main strategies: AVOID OR DOMINATE.
AVOIDERS:
Hide or escape: As the comedian John Mulaney jokes; Nothing is quite so relieving as when we call to cancel plans with friends. If you hide or escape you may wish to avoid contact with people, places, or situations which bring up these feelings.
Distraction: This is why Netflix was invented. Errr… if it wasn’t invented for this reason, it is certainly one of the reasons it became so popular. You may find yourself eating, shopping, and doing everything else possible besides thinking about or feelings your emotion.
Numbing and Zoning out: Perhaps you go to sleep to stop feeling. You might also stare at the walls and shutdown. Some people stop functioning in order to stop feeling. Many people employ the use of substances to aid in this attempt to control.
Fantasizing: Reading books, day dreaming of scenarios which are less painful, or using media like pornography may be one way you fantasize.
DOMINATORS:
Suppression: You may actually try to force thoughts, feelings, or memories out of your mind. You may attempt to split them off from you or push them down very deep.
Self-Bullying: You may call yourself names in hopes to motivate yourself to feel differently, or feel differently about the situation. This may be a pet favorite if you had a loved one teach you this skill by calling you these names first. “LOSER!”
Arguing: You may be arguing with yourself about your feelings. You may also be attempting to protest reality, “It shouldn’t be like this,” with the response, “Well it is, so deal with it, big baby!”
Taking Charge: You may attempt to tell yourself to, “JUST THINK POSITIVE!”, “CHEER UP!” or ,”GET IT TOGETHER DUDE!” This is in an attempt to force yourself to feel happy when you are not.
You are probably nodding at several of these examples thinking, yes, yes I do that! Which is to say, of course you do. Many of these work, but not as long term strategies to manage feelings. These are great used in situations when they can work, when they don’t keep you from living life, and when they aren’t used excessively. Be careful to recognize when you are using these strategies to avoid or dominate feelings.
If you notice yourself doing this, attempt to sit with your feelings and employ mindfulness strategies. The quickest way through the emotions is usually directly through it.
*This list of control strategies is adapted from, “The Happines Trap,” by Russ Harris.
