One specific form of mindfulness that I like is self compassion. I have been enjoying learning from Kristen Neff (<–see link). Self compassion is best recognized by noting your own feelings when you see another human being’s suffering. You notice they are sharing the planet with you and your heart goes out to them in your shared human experience. This is the same gift you can give to yourself, along with comfort, love, or nurturing in the most personal way.

Is self compassion the same as self esteem? No. Many people come seeking individual or couples therapy asking for better self esteem. Self esteem is based on feeling above average compared to others. It rises with success and lowers with failures. It is virtually impossible to attain. We can’t all be so much better than each other at the same time. Often as we try to do this we pat our own backs while putting others down. Down with Narcissism!

Self compassion is a way of treating yourself, regardless of our above or below average self esteem.  Research says with both high esteem and self compassion will give you the same benefits. You will have less anxiety, be less depressed, not beat yourself up all of the time.  The biggest difference is that self compassion is more stable.

Self compassion becomes most powerful when our self esteem goes down. When you are failing, struggling, suffering, and more likely to beat yourself up, that is the perfect time to use self compassion.

The first step is to notice your own suffering.

The second is to be kind and caring towards yourself in response to that suffering.

Noticing your own suffering means acknowledging the difficulty you face without berating yourself or self bullying. Showing kindness to yourself means putting forth comfort and warmth towards yourself. You can give yourself a soothing touch. You can muster your own inner warmth towards yourself. It can be as simple as encouraging yourself to push through this time. Perhaps you may choose to hold your cheeks, hug yourself, or symbolically hold your heart. The idea is to recognize your own flesh is human and warm. It can give you the comfort you need 24 hours a day if you let it.

We all face this dilemma. Will I accept comfort from myself and others? There are really only two kinds of people. Those who will accept comfort and those who will not.  Be in the group that doesn’t push it away. Soak it in from others and most of all from yourself.