The New Year often brings thoughts of creating resolutions and making changes in our lives. Some of these resolutions entail creating happier, more fulfilling lives and stronger and healthier relationships. This can be a relationship between you and your significant other, spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, co-worker, etc.

One thing I continuously remind couples and individuals that come in for therapy is that you cannot change other people including your spouse. We can only change the things we can control. There are things we can control in our lives and things we can’t. The things we cannot control are those that we cannot change. At times, I will have those in counseling session draw two circles, one large circle and then a smaller circle inside the bigger one. In the small circle write down the things that you do have control of and then in the larger circle write the things that you do not have control over. Now we focus on the smaller circle and making the changes we can control.

Here are some ideas of what could be in your inner circle that you can change and can have an effect on the things in your outer circle, the things and people you can’t change….

1. The way you respond to and react to other’s words and behaviors. Do you find yourself becoming quickly offended or defensive often? Are you letting the little things become unnecessary big things?
2. Expecting others in your life to have the same expectations and thought process as you. Do you become upset, annoyed or hurt when someone doesn’t do or say things the way you wanted them to or imagined they would?
3. Comparing your life, your spouse, your marriage, your children or your relationships to others. Are you focusing on the idea that the grass is greener on the other side or on making your grass greener?
4. The way that you listen when others are talking. Are you listening to respond or listening to understand?
5. Keeping track of the negative things you see in your spouse or your life. Does your mind become consumed with all the things that your partner is doing wrong or are you adding up all of the positive things about the person or about your life?

Focusing on making changes on the things in our inner circle will have a bigger impact on our lives and our relationships then focusing on trying to change what we cannot control.