I had a basketball coach who was a yeller. Anytime a player made a mistake out on the court, they got pulled out of the game and berated in front of the rest of us. We learned to play basketball so as not to make a mistake and ended up playing “not to lose” instead of “playing to win.” I had a different coach who really cared about us as people and worked very hard for us. When we made mistakes on the court, it did not make us question the quality of our relationship with our coach. Naturally, we wanted to play hard and to be our best selves because we felt safe to shine.

In his book, the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen R. Covey would label these approaches as a scarcity mentality or an abundance mentality. Scarcity mentality is thinking that if someone else is successful that I will lose. The abundance mentality is a way of thinking that there are enough resources to share with others, and it is related to high self-worth and security.

For me, learning to develop an abundance mentality has not come naturally. I am conditioned to be over-critical, demanding of self-discipline, and slow to forgive myself for mistakes. People are this way because they fear that they would be self-indulgent and lazy if they were compassionate. The truth is that the scarcity mentality is the perfect recipe for decreased and external motivation. Self-compassion is a way to develop an abundance mentality and internal motivation. It is relating to ourselves kindly and embracing ourselves, as we are, flaws and all. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion has found that there are 3 ways that we can demonstrate self-compassion.

1. Be kind to yourself. Do not be harsh with how your think about yourself or treat yourself, it only increased your anxiety and decreases your motivation. Self-compassion is treating yourself like you treat your good friends, with kindness.
2. Look for common humanity. Rather than comparing yourself to others and puffing yourself up so you can put others down to feel superior or vice versa. Look at the ways that you are the same. We all have imperfect life and this is the shared, human experience. When we feel separate from others then we also feel isolated and alone in our suffering.
3. Practice mindful awareness. This means being with what is at the present moment. Notice what your body is telling you. Give yourself permission to accept your emotions as a piece of communication you can begin to decode. Slowing down to become aware of your emotions can give you important clues on your journey of self-discovery.

I sometimes wonder just how successful teams that used an abundance mentality and self-compassion as the underlying philosophy could be. For now, we can start with ourselves.

What is your natural tendency? How will you love yourself more today?