“For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.” These may be cliche words, but the meaning behind them is valid and true. When we commit to marriage, we promise to stand by our spouse through all that lies ahead for us. As the years go on, difficulties will arise–job loss, financial struggles, raising children, maybe even infidelity, loss of a loved one or infertility. These difficulties have the potential to serve as a refiner’s fire or the straw that broke the camel’s back for your relationship. I encourage you to allow your times of trouble to strengthen your relationship. Let me explain how you can begin to do that.

First, change your mindset with a reframe. A reframe is a term used to describe a shift in the way we perceive things. In the situation of a trial or difficulty in your life, you may be thinking of it in terms of how hard it is, anxiety about how you will make it through or other negative thoughts. While it is normal to feel this way about difficulties, when we get stuck in these patterns, it tends to have a destructive effect on ourselves and our relationships. On the other hand, we can choose to think about the difficulty in terms of a refiner’s fire. A refiner’s fire is used to purify metals. The metal begins as coarse and flawed then must go through an extreme process but in the end it comes out pure and more valuable. When you turn to our spouse in times of trouble and choose to see it as an opportunity for stretching and growth, your relationship will become stronger and more pure than it was before. I have seen many couples come through great difficulties with a deeper love and stronger relationship than they’ve ever experienced in their marriage.

After you have changed your mindset and decided to let your difficulties strengthen your marriage, turn to your spouse. Let me give you a personal example of what I mean by turning to your spouse. After my husband and I experienced the loss of our child, I felt very alone in my suffering. Many people tried to help but most didn’t really know how. I remember wanting to spend more time with my husband, just wanting to be near him because I knew he could understand me. I talked to him about how I was feeling and what I was struggling with. His experience with grieving the loss of our baby was different than mine but he was able to relate more to me than I felt most other people could. We expressed our anger, sadness and fear with each other and we forged a unique bond this way. Of course I would rather have not experienced that loss, but I couldn’t change that. Instead, we took the opportunity to grow closer to each other and as a result, I feel that I have a closeness with him that I wouldn’t have had we not been through that experience.

I understand that turning toward your spouse is not always easy. Often there is emotional baggage that has piled up and made it hard to confide in or trust your spouse. It’s possible that your spouse might be a part of the cause of your trouble. However, hope is not lost in these cases. The best thing you can do is work through the obstacles. Seeking couples therapy may be a good way to work through the hurt so you can turn towards each other again and allow your difficulties to make you stronger. I am amazed every day with the transformations I see happening in marriages when individuals choose to turn to one another and form a bond that won’t be broken. While it is often easier to distance yourself when times are hard, I would encourage you to take the opportunity for growth and see what turning to your spouse can do for your marriage.