On repeated late night phone calls with my mom and while relating some tale about a date, she would often remind me, “Ava, I don’t know what your love story is going to be.” As a single person, being open to the unfolding of your own story is an often difficult and unexpected journey sometimes leaving you feeling great thrill and other times great heartache. This weekend, I just got engaged, and getting to this point in my own love story has felt like a miracle.

When I meet a new couple for therapy, one of the first things that I ask them is their love story. It has always been interesting how despite the current problem that they are facing how most couples are able to go back to the beginnings of the relationship and recall the details of what attracted each partner to one another and how the events unfolded. It gives me clues about the strengths the couple relationship already possesses and indicates some of the resources they may have to overcome the current difficulty.

I once met with a couple and asked about their love story. The wife told me that what had attracted her was that her husband had nice fingernails. I could tell that this couple was really struggling because they were unable or unwilling to relate any of the personal, powerful details of what they found attractive about one another. Other red flags are when couples face difficulty they may have a tendency to re-write history in a negative light to justify grounds for separation.

Research has shown that the more perceptually vivid, emotionally positive, and more often rehearsed are positively correlated with marital satisfaction. The more vivid and emotional memories are usually thought and talked about often and throughout the adult lifespan. They found that 20-29 and 70-85 year-olds were the age groups that told their stories most frequently.

So the tip this week is no matter your age to commit to tell your relationship-defining memories because there is power in shared memories to bond, recall strengths, and use those resources to creatively resolve problems as they arise.