It was a typical day in my couples counseling practice. I listened to a heartbroken spouse tearfully share her pain regarding what her husband had done. She just discovered he had been cheating on her for the past 6 months with one of his old high school girlfriends. “How did this happen?” I asked the husband. He began to cry as well. He talked about how he didn’t understand how it happened. He mentioned making jokes with the woman on a social media site one day when he saw her post something humorous. From there he described a tale of secrecy that moved to full-blown sexual indiscretions. His wife found out because he left his phone on with one of her messages loaded.

Later on in the day I listened to a husband begging his wife to give their relationship another shot. She looked coldly at me and said they have been in a loveless marriage for years and he should have seen it coming. She told me of when she connected with her co-worker through a social media site and began to feel excitement she hadn’t felt in years in their marriage. “That is what a relationship is supposed to feel like” she expressed, describing feelings of excitement, lust, and infatuation from a new man. She rationalized away her behavior and blamed her husband for not being better at meeting her expectations.
As if two relationships on the verge of collapse, fueled in part by social media, were not enough for one day, I heard another couple bickering as they walked down the hall toward my office. I braced myself for the task of calming a fighting couple likely steamed by something that happened in the car on the way to the appointment. I found out that he disclosed a number of private issues between he and his wife on his social media profile wall for all the world to see. Yet, he didn’t seem to realize at the time he posted that such public disclosure was a bad idea.

These fictional examples illustrate typical types of issues I see come through my door on a daily basis. I don’t want to suggest that every client I see has problems resulting from social media, nor do I want to suggest that only those with issues as severe as infidelity benefit from counseling help. Many clients I see are not dealing with issues as severe as infidelity but social media has driven a wedge in their relationship. It is not atypical to have days full of client appointments much like those described above. Five years ago social media was only occasionally mentioned as more of a teen fad by my clients coming for help in reaching their teenagers, rather than an integral part of their own relationship issues. Today, social media is creating mayhem in many marriages. Couples are finding themselves careening down a slippery slope of texting, chatting, posting and creating often intimate connections unsuitable for their marital status.

Infidelity in all its forms (from emotional infidelity to full-blown sexual affairs) is extremely damaging to relationships. It also seems to be on the rise. I would estimate that about 40% of my client load in recent years has been with client couples trying to overcome the damaging effects of infidelity. Despite its prevalence, I can count on one hand the number of cases of infidelity I have seen in the past 3 years that did not involve social media in some way. I often sadly jest that Facebook keeps me in business.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Couples should be faithful. Faithfulness helps make successful lasting relationships. Yet, it has become easier and easier with the advent of a host of social media outlets such as Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Google+, MySpace, YouTube, Twitter, and others. Now nearly everyone carries some sort of phone, tablet, or laptop with immediate access to one of these sites available at the touch of a finger. It can easily be done in secret, making infidelity so much easier that it was even 5 years ago.
Technology is changing the way people interact. Even when social media websites were beginning to pick up speed, they did not have near the impact that they currently do on human interaction. People can interact with hundreds, even thousands of people from across the globe with the click of a button, tap of a few keys, or the recording of a video on a smartphone. One could argue that nothing has had such a profound impact in such a short time on social interactions in the history of the world as social media has had in the past decade. It could be compared to the advent of the telephone, yet sweeping at a rate incomprehensible to previous eras of time. Social media has a seat at the table in most homes in many parts of the world, and it is only a matter of time before it extends even more staggeringly in its reach. Such integration in daily life begs the question: What is this finger-play of contact doing to may marriage?

Eight Questions to Help You Consider the Impact of Social Media on Your Marriage
Let’s discuss 8 common questions I am asked by couples that relate to social media and its potential impact on their relationships. You can consider which of these questions are relevant to you as you decide if and how to utilize social media so that it doesn’t detract from your relationship and so that it may even complement your marriage.
Questions:
1. Is social media causing distractions in my relationship?
You should consider three things when assessing if social media is causing distractions in your marriage.

• (1) You need to rely on each other for support. If social media friends or networks are taking the place of your relationship, there is a problem. Discuss the issue with your spouse and see what they want and need from you. Adjust your social media usage to accommodate.
• (2) You need to keep you spouse as your first priority. If your spouse feels that social media or social media friends/connections are a higher priority to you then you should really evaluate if social media is worth using. If you have had a situation where your spouse has felt second to social media, he/she will be increasingly sensitive to those issues in the future.
• (3) You need to keep your emotional connection strong. Make sure the emotional connection you have with your spouse is always a priority. If you maintain very healthy emotional bonds and you maintain good daily, weekly, and yearly traditions to support those bonds, using social media may not be a problem.

2. Is it possible to be addicted to social media?
It is possible to be addicted to social media. There are three important questions you should consider to see if an addiction may be present for you or your spouse:

• (1) Do you or your spouse have impairment in social, occupational, or other areas of functioning due to your use of social media?
• (2) Do you or your spouse spend more time using social media than you intend, or does your use of social media continue to increase?
• (3) Do you or your spouse have difficulty controlling your use of social media?

If you answered yes to all three then an addiction problem is very likely and you should avoid any use of social media. You should also seek professional help to overcome the addictive tendencies. If you answered yes to one or two of them, then you should probably also completely avoid using social media. Addictions should be taken seriously and none of the potential benefits of using social media will outweigh the negative ramifications experienced as a result of a social media addiction.

3. Is it appropriate for me to interact with someone I am attracted to through social media?
I generally suggest you don’t even touch this one with a ten-foot pole. If you feel an attraction to someone, simply avoid them. Don’t friend them, don’t talk to them, don’t send them pictures. Any benefit from viewing their profiles or interacting with them will never outweigh the negative ramifications on your marriage relationship. Just stay away from it. This is a slippery slope that pulls good people down all the time. Infidelity is a dangerous prospect and social media makes it much easier to fall into. Don’t ever minimize or hide things. If your spouse is jealous, make sure you respond and discontinue anything that may make them feel that way. If you are jealous, speak up.

4. How much information can I disclose online?
Always keep your relationship status where you know your spouse wants it. Make sure you really know what your spouse is comfortable with before disclosing anything. Don’t embarrass your spouse. Also, make your in-laws look good. It is no one else’s business what struggles you may have with your spouse. Keep that information private. Make sure you are both on the same page regarding what will be shared and what will not be shared.

5. Has social media contributed to trust problems in my relationship?
If there has been a trust violation or infidelity in your relationship, you will likely experience these three phases of emotions (Olsen et al., 2002):

• Phase 1: Roller Coaster. You may feel extreme emotions that cycle rapidly. You may feel out of control and all you can see is relationship problems.
• Phase 2: Moratorium. Following the extreme emotions you may experience an emotional shut down to avoid the pain. You may want to recruit the support of others for support. You may also push to find out everything about the trust violation. It is important to know what happened, but seeking to know every single detail can become too consuming.
• Phase 3: Trust building. Only after the previous two phases will you even want to explore the possibility of forgiving and rebuilding trust. This is normal. Do everything you can to be patient. Ask the offending spouse to apologize in this phase. Apologies won’t mean anything to you until phase 3.

6. How do I discuss my concerns regarding social media with my spouse?
Due to the wide range of opinions regarding social media use and the sheer number of different social media outlets, you should expect that discussing social media use may be met with some level of friction in your relationship, especially if problems have occurred. As you talk through things the goal should be to come to a comfortable agreement with your spouse about social media use. As you present your thoughts focus on sharing three things:

• (1) The underlying emotions you feel regarding social media (e.g. fear, jealousy, insecurity, etc).
• (2) Share why your opinion is so meaningful to you (e.g. you have a friend who’s spouse was unfaithful, or privacy is valuable to you).
• (3) Help your spouse understand your emotional needs regarding the issue (e.g. a need to feel that you are more important to your spouse than social media).

As you communicate, don’t focus on trying to agree with each other. Rather, focus on helping them understand your thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to agree with each other to compromise, however, you do both need to listen and respect each others feelings.

7. Can social media be helpful for me or my marriage?
Despite all the risks social media can pose, benefits can be found from its use. Discuss these with your spouse and find ways to make social media help each other and the relationship. If one of you needs some additional social skills in the digital realm, utilization could be helpful. If you, your spouse, or both of you need some other outside support that should not or cannot be met in the relationship, you may consider reaching out to others. If you need help with your self-image, consider how social media may help you. If you want to maintain friendships social media can help you keep in touch. Most important, if you decide to use social media, use it to emotionally connect with your spouse.

8. So, is it ok for me or my spouse to use social media or should we avoid it?
I have offered a lot of ideas that should help inform your ultimate decisions regarding social media use. Yet, the most influential factors should be what is in the best interest of your marriage and the feelings of your spouse on the issue. If he/she is comfortable with your current use, than you are probably ok. If not, find a way to align your usage with his/her desires. If you using social media sites, let your involvement reflect what you and your spouse have discussed and determined is best for your marriage.

Go and find your spouse right now and talk through all the thoughts you have had reading this article. Make plans together to help ensure that you and your spouse will always have a loving, committed, faithful relationship. As you do, avoid any semblance of thinking “what’s in it for me”. That type of thinking will quickly lead you down the slippery slope. Always put your spouse and your spouse’s feelings first. That’s what you committed to when you married him/her. You promised you would put him/her first. If you ensure you always put your spouse first, you can experience the true joy of being married while avoiding the slippery slope of social media. If you focus on what’s in it for you, you may be all you have left.