Let’s face it, if you are going to live with someone, chances are good that at least an argument or two are going to happen, no matter what your grandparents tell you about “never going to be angry.” The healthier question may not be “if” we are going to fight, but “how?”

So what can we do to make sure that the next disagreement doesn’t escalate into the Armageddon of arguments? Let’s take a look at some pitfalls, and the bridges we build to avoid them:

1: Dangerous Words

We live in a world that loves the extremes. There is fantastic drama in the “always” and “never”, and we are built to watch for patterns. So as we start down the path of irritation escalating to anger, we fixate on the recurring flaws that plague. He always says snarky comments about my friends, she is never on time for anything. When you hear those sentences in your mind, the emphasis is placed on the always and never, with little regard for the truth of the statement. Your partner is left defending in anecdotes, I liked that one friend, and I was on time to work last week. Soon enough, relationship energy is spent watching for justification of the always and never, rather than discussing the real hurts. In real life, always and never are rare extremes.

Instead of engaging in an argument of the always and never of your partner, those words can be used a trigger for recognizing when you or your partner are concealing real hurts. I’m sad that you don’t like my friends, and I wish we could share some of the fun I have with them. It frustrates me when you are late because I feel like my time is devalued. Instead of letting always and never trigger an avalanche of defense, let their appearance help you recognize the things your partner really values.

2: The Silent Treatment

Yes, silence is still fighting. It is a favorite foreign policy of governments the world round, and it is repeated in homes and high schools at varying skill levels from children who “run away” to spouses who lean on “I can’t even speak to you right now.” This emotional embargo gives all power to the silent one, and all expectation of repair to the powerless, and leaves room for very little but defeat.

I’m not saying people don’t need their space, in fact, this fighting technique is born of that exact need. But when you find yourself needing space, it is up to both partners to honor that need. So the remedy here is not to force a premature conversation, but to explore options and communicate trust in taking a little space. Instead of silent raging from one and pleading from another, the pressure of the silent treatment can be relieved with a partner who is willing to give a concrete boundary. Give me 15 minutes. An hour. A day. To think and settle down. We will talk, just not right now. And a partner who honors that need and trusts the boundary. The silence is suddenly less damaging, and filled with less undefined expectation for both partners.

3: The Martyr Move

This aggression is a top tier fight skill, refined in its inherent score value. At face value, it looks like I am deferring to you in order to serve you, but in reality I’m holding on to this score for future battles. It’s an ace in the sleeve, without regard for the fact that if you are hiding an ace in your sleeve, you are cheating at poker. It leads to those dangerous words, whether thought or spoken that we always get to do what partner wants, and we never do what I want. It’s loading your partner’s scorecard with wins so that you can look like a victim. But if you are keeping score, you don’t get to count the moments when your desire was not expressed.

Instead, you and your partner can establish trust that you will each express your desire, and that any conflict between the two can be worked through without having to anticipate later retaliation for a loss. Chances are good that at the core, you still want your partner’s happiness to be realized, and your partner wants the same for you. You really only get to say “I don’t care what toppings are on the pizza” if you really don’t care. And when the day comes where you do care, it is your responsibility to declare what you want without accusing your partner of hijacking the menu. No scorecard necessary, so no reason for that ace in the sleeve.